Tomorrow, I should be fine.
Aug 29, 2010, 9:57 PM
There We Are by `trenchmaker
Today was a mess, I have to admit. I was happy I got to hang out with Sora and Yano for once last time. Yano, for sure. This is his last party in Edmonton. I don't think he will make it to my birthday. Sora, because I'm forbidden to see her. I most likely got her into a lot of shit by now, but that's the only thing I do for her. I feel guilty for asking her for company and getting in trouble. I feel selfish.
Today, I got everything I wanted. But I cried. I have no idea why. I wasn't supposed to cry, I was supposed to smile. I had everything I wanted for just a few hours. I had Nabi, I had Yano, and I had Sora. I should be happy. But I'm not for some reason. Somehow those few hours left me with this heavy feeling in my chest. I have no clue what I'm doing anymore. I'm clueless to the point where I started looking for something, and left my room untidy. What exactly was I looking for? I started crying without single a clue why, until I fell asleep. What is there to cry about? These feelings, I call them pointless. Because I believe there is a reason for everything. It takes time to finish a whole puzzle. So should I wait for these pieces to fit? Or immediately quit it before I find the answers?
I'm a coward. I can't take these kinds of risks. No matter how much I contemplate, the answer is always the same. I would throw everything away just to stay on the safe side.
Answers are revealed in the end, the obvious ones we ignore. Then we mask the new questions with these answers, making sure the player would over-think this game. Last night, I found answers. Answers for someone else's game. Their answers made mine more unreachable. Because I'm ahead of their game, I continue to watch and stop my game. The longer I postpone my game, the bigger the consequences.
I promised you this picture, yet I couldn't bring myself to give it to you.
I was so sure, I would give it to him. But the moment I saw him, I couldn't bring myself to. I wanted to rip it apart, wishing I never started it in the first place, wishing I never promised him in the first place. Such small things, have huge meanings for me. Yes, its a piece of paper. But not to me. It wasn't that he wasn't worthy enough of my effort, but because I'm letting myself fall into this path again. I'm at this path where I know I would do anything for him. I have to restrain myself, I'm going to end up following him around like a pet, asking him if he needs me anytime soon. I want to destroy myself. What exactly am I hoping for in this end up as? I'm pathetic. But eventually, I will give this picture to you. Eventually, I will, when I can control myself more than I can now.
There are things that should and shouldn't be mentioned. I refuse to tell everything, 미안해.
--☆::